Thursday, October 9, 2008

WILL IT ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY?

Yesterday marked 5 months since the loss of my mom. I spent the afternoon thinking about how not everything has been a loss...there are things I've gained. I appreciate family even more than before; sisters, my dad, nephews, neices, my husband, children, grandchildren, aunts and uncles, friends, my mom's friends. I've gained a marked sense of all the 'tender mercies' that have been granted. For instance, yesterday I happened to see two of my mom's dear friends at different places...places I just happened to go to on that day...month 5. I received a sweet text from Tam who had remembered the day. My Aunt Marsh called to check on us...we remembered together-her kindness, her big heart, her way of taking care and knowing how everyone was and sharing it with us, how many friends she had, that she was everyones anchor/calmer. Great phone calls with my sisters...Jen and I were able to laugh just knowing mom is proud that she has been getting a babysitter and that mom is probably teaching Dylan crazy things to do. De and I talked about how the sadness just has to come out now - now that the trauma has subsided some. I can see my mom's twinkle in her eye, her mischeviousness in so many people...Luke, Land, Kaitie, Niah. I even caught a glimpse of her in my own mirror today as I cut my hair shorter yesterday and as I walked past my mirror...just for a minute...I saw her. I went downstairs to where I had brought some of her things to my home. In a bag of her crocheting things, I found the class instructions with her own handwriting on it and the very burp cloth we had learned to do at that class together. Is it coincidence, tender mercy, that just the night before I sat up and finished a burp cloth that I had pulled out of my cupboard that I had started years ago but never finished...the very one from that same class. I'm going to put them both in a special place. I've had this overwhelming desire to crochet, sew, cook (that's a miracle!), be in the yard. Is it because I know these were things she loved to do and they are my loves too? Now the time, the mood has shifted, and it is easier to surround myself with her pictures, things and easier to do things that I know she loved to do. It's a softer sadness, a pure sadness that just has to come out. All by myself, out loud, as I was holding fabric of hers I said, "Mom, I just hope I was good enough to you. That you knew...that you know now, how much influence you have had on me. That I miss you. I love you." I had found this saying on a plaque several weeks after mom died and I had to buy it. It reminded me of her, of the kind of mom I want to be, and the kind of mom I know my daughters are and will be.

Motherhood
is not for the faint of heart
mothers are fierce
protective
HOVER
cheer
Let you fall
Let you fail

PICK YOU UP
worry
HANDLE HEARTACHE
comfort fears
teach
listen

MOTHERHOOD,
Your greatest challenge
Your Finest Hour



I love you mom....

3 comments:

Tamara Jacobs said...

you really have a way of writing things mom. I'm glad that the sadness is softening. I've been thiking about Grandma so much lately. I dreamt about her again last night. Maybe it's her way of paying me a little visit:) Thank you for your example and being such a good mom. Love you and miss you. xoxox Tam

anndeo said...

So nice sister Mel. I didn't know feelings could go this deep. We are doing good and a lot of it is because of mom. Love you, love dee

Nat said...

I can't believe it has been five months... I have been thinking a lot about Grandma lately. I swear she visits all of us from time to time. Somehow, all of the things that she has given me, Bryan, or the girls just keep popping up. I love seeing her Kentucky Derby dress in my closet... thanks for letting me have it! It means a lot to me. I'm glad the shock and trauma are fading a bit. Thanks for being such a great mom. Love you.